Anxiety and Trusting the Lord
Matthew 6:34
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:34 has been a life verse for me since high school. At the time I didn’t realize I was wrestling with anxiety, but in hindsight it was a constant companion through most of my childhood.
The funny thing is that I can’t recall most situations that must have felt so huge at the time. Maybe a breakup with a boyfriend? Or not getting enough playing time in volleyball? Or procrastinating on an English paper?
Fast forward 2 years to college…6 years to my first job…10 years to wedding planning. Anxiety weaved through all of these experiences as a common thread… but as I sit here as a 38-year-old, it’s not the hard times that stand out in my memory.
Which begs the question: Was the stress worth it?
I have the benefit of hindsight now. I’m old enough to have collected enough life experiences to give me perspective….and enough perspective to know that anxiety can stem from the perceived loss of control in a situation. That feeling that bubbles up in your chest when things start to feel uncertain, or new, or unknown.
Anxiety can lead a person down a road of overthinking and over strategizing as a way to avoid uncertainty. Compulsively making lists to check them off, running yourself into the ground to keep you house perfectly tidy, rehearsing conversations in your head before social interactions.
Proverbs 16:9
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”
It wasn’t until I lost any sense that I was in control of my life that I had to fully sink into what the Lord had been telling me all along: you can try to do this your own way, but my way is better.
- My oldest son was born needing two open heart surgeries > I had to quit my job at a time that developing my career was very important to me.
- My dad was diagnosed with an incurable form of cancer > I again had to pause my career to help my mom and care for him as he passed.
- I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy, surgery, and am still in treatment > I had to turn down my dream job and focus on healing.
My life plan was to work. And I was blocked every. single. time.
But on the other side of all of these diversions from my plan for my life?
Joy. Hope. And the realization that the person I am becoming wouldn’t have been possible without all of these specific life events.
- What a joy that I was able to spend that time with my son as he was an infant. And when it was time to go back to work, the Lord orchestrated the most perfect position, 30 hours a week, fully from home. I was able to work and be a full-time mom.
- Nothing we can do is going to prevent our parents from passing. But what a joy that I was able to fully be there to care and support my dad in his final weeks on earth. And what I gained on the other side of that? An even deeper belief in Heaven and peace that when love one’s pass, they are with the ultimate healer, full of joy, and far from the pain they experienced on this earth.
- There is no disputing that cancer is terrible. It’s ugly and robs so much from us. It took my dad; it’s caused pain to countless others in my family. I do not feel joy that I had cancer. But I recognize how God used that time to heal my marriage. He brought my sons, husband, and I closer together. He showed me what community is; how to accept love and support from others. Seeing the hands and feet of God at work was the true miracle in the situation.
Not every situation has a perfect ending, but life is the process. We are all racing to the next finish life, constantly anxious that we aren’t doing enough, doing too much. What if we took a deep breath, gave it to God, and focused on what we can control: our perspective, attitude, and effort.
And even if that feels like too much…give it to God.
Whatever you are going through; you are loved, you are seen, and you are stronger than you think.
